The Verastic Xperience

Shock. Then surprise. My jaws dropped. Quickly, curiosity stared apace. What could Vera had written about me, I asked when I saw the title of her piece This-one's-for-kennknotty on my blog. The curiosity soon heightened. But before I could click to assuage it, power struck and my PC went off. I quickly connected to the inverter, bringing back the PC to live. I rushed to read, finishing under few seconds. I then did a second read, slowly.

I had on a few occasions made comments on Verastic.com. Some being sarcastic, others either cocky or cynical. I had on one comment even requested she told me about the time of her menstrual flow as I jabbed her of becoming mushy mushy. The request was jokingly done. But I soon discovered Vera does not play soft. It was the reply to such an inordinate (really?) request that gave birth to the aforementioned. Be careful what you wish, that’s what Charles my friend would always say. I got what I asked for.

Vera, I hope you don’t mind me letting fellow bloggers into the secret. Well, it’s out already, lol. Some of the bloggers wanted to know who that Kenn-knotty whom Mighty Vera devoted so much energy to was, after reading Vera’s piece. They soon flooded my blog, pouring their condolences, sympathy, advice, and encomium on my late dad. Vera's piece drove traffic to my blog, and made me two friends.

I give it to Vera. She could write. Vera, let this not pump the blood flow in your head. And don't be quick to smile for there is a price to be paid for that. Vera had stylishly entwined the not too palatable experience of menstruation with her condolences for my late dad whom I had earlier done a tribute on Daddy Where Are You?

As Vera became descriptive, I momentarily muffled my sorrow. I took the emotional gag effortlessly … I had thought apart from losing blood, that the compulsorily monthly napkins were the only discomfort women felt. I never knew they felt diarrhea too. I repeat, Vera could write. Wish someone could kill her for her skills (that's the price). I need to inherit her writing prowess.

I tell you, burial for Igbo land no easy o! Especially with the obnoxious “Umu-Ada” beliefs. The Umu-Ada would make outrageous demands, haggle over what you give them if it’s slightly an inch less, quarrel among themselves when splinting their spoils, and at the end dust their cursed bums and leave without helping out with errands. Am sure, bloggers from the eastern part of 9ja will easily identify with this.

Okay, let me even forget the longer-throated Umu-Adas. After sobbing myself dry in Lagos and getting rewarded with severe heart ache, I had thought my lachrymal gland would show a bit of maturity at the village. But that was never to be as I soon launched into another round of broken rhythm immediately the hearse brought in what was the remains of my dad into the family compound after taken him to his maternal home.

Even in death, dad still looked undeniably handsome. His pointed nose was untouched, and the grey of his hair still glittered. He was clad in white lace material. I had loaded a camera I borrowed from a friend with film for that occasion. My intention was to snap away, at least to recapture the memory and be kept in my archive. But I soon realised I didn’t want to be reminded of that moment when I beheld the stillness of the man who was my father only few months past. Am no lilly. And effeminate doe not exist in my lexicon. But how I withered still surprises me.

A blogger has even enjoined me to blog some of the pix (the photographer got many). But I jokingly told her some of you bloggers might want to use it for screen savers...Lol. Seriously, my dad was handsome, even in death. He was successfully laid to eternal rest on May 22, 2010.

Me, and an invincible witch doctor

Out of curiosity I followed a link on FB (Face Book) after I had read the quiz test of a friend. I quickly commented on the result about “What does your birthday say about you.” The comments were correct about her. I wanted to find out about myself as assumption is the worst form of ignorance. So, I keyed in. Born on January 9..., I quickly entered other details, and the result starring me in the face is what you have below:


Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.


At the end, I realised that 92%, maybe 97%, of the comment is actually me. Though I must quickly add, the first and last sentences are not me! But how did these (White) Witch Doctors find out the ones they did? You might want to check urs too!

This Yerima is truly Yem-nri-ma

Who hasn’t heard of Yerima? Think hard. I bet you too must have. Like a goldfish, Yerima doesn’t hide. Nevertheless, Yerima isn’t a fish, let alone a goldfish which is known for its sterling qualities. Yerima is a man, a true Nigerian by birth from the northern enclave of the country. He is heavily bearded. Many argue he would have been handsome if not for the blanket of vegetation on his jaws…and… No, wait! That’s not a rational way to introduce this man who has done so much attention drawing, not just for himself but for our dear nation, Nigeria.

Yerima, whose full name is Ahmed Rufai Sani Yerima, is a 49-year old two-term former governor of Zamfara State, north of Nigeria on the platform of the All Nigeria Peoples Party (ANPP). First elected in 1999, and reelected in 2003. Before he left, he introduced the Sharia Law (Am tired to proffer its definition) to the state which caused so much ripples nationwide. He has since moved to the Senate of the Nigeria 6th National Assembly to represent the Zamfara West Senatorial District at the expiration of his tenure as governor. I mean he is a serving Senator in Nigeria, and was born on July 22, 1960. Yerima will be 50 years old next two months... Just making sure my mathematics isnt failing.

Still, this is barely a perfect way to introduce him. Well, I really don’t like reeling out his CV. Wont even envy his publicist. But I believe a sure search on google will definitely throw up veritable articles on my subject of discourse.

Recently, the media became inundated because of him. He knows how to hit the spotlight. He is always in your face. But regrettably, only for the wrong reasons with his numerous controversies. He just took a fifth wife after divorcing the fourth. But that’s not the issue here. Not even the fact that he has not sponsored any bill since getting into the Senate. After all, there are many sit-down-look Senators like him. And if it were the number of his wives, I won’t be boring anybody with this mind-boggling piece. After all, a certain Nigerian has 86 wives (joking apart). The context of this content is Paedophilia. Does that word still exist?

Yerima’s new wife (call her number five) is a 13-year old Egyptian girl. You see? Didn’t your jaw drop at the mention of the age? A 49-year old getting married to a 13-year old. The same thing happened to wife number four who was barely 15 when he married her. Right now she is about 17, and has a baby for this distinguished (truly distinguished) Senator Yerima. But she is back at her parents' house after the divorce.

For the latest marriage, it was reported in the media that he paid a mouth staggering $100,000 (about N15million) as bride price for the child in question. Obscenity! Obscene wealth! The people’s tax money! Where else can such madness happen if no be 9ja? Abeg, we too much jo! Though sadly for the wrong reasons.

On a serious note, I thought men are moved by what they see. Or has that noble conception changed? Maybe not. I still have troubles with my flab whenever my eyes stray. Now, what possibly could Yerima had seen in a 13-year old girl to have taken her in as wife? I may be naive, but naivety itself is not much of a crime if we truly seek knowledge. I seek that knowledge. So, I want to know if at 13, any girl would have had well developed boobs, firm thighs or a portable backside that are the delight of most men. Ok, even if she has started paying her monthly dues, would she have possibly known how to pad up and change her sanitary wares? Perhaps, this Yem-nri-ma guy must be more intelligent in women affairs than in Senatorial matters. And he is not telling.

My people say if one must eat a toad, then one should endeavour to eat the rotund ones so that when one is called a toad eater one should feel proud to take up the appellation. Now, let’s even expand that analogy. If this child bride of Yerima were an amphibian, wouldn’t she still be a tadpole, considering her age? Not even a toad, let alone a rotund one.

There must be something Yerima is chopping/eating in these child brides that he is savouring with so much relish. And we dont get it. But if not, let us hastily diagnose peadophiliac insanity.

While the moralists in the Senate are already armed to the teeth with petitions for his suspension, the women rights activists are already in the trenches calling for Nigeria's Child Rights Act of 2003 to be revisited. Yet, Yerima is defiant that he has not violated any law by marrying a MINOR! Adult age in Nigeria is 18, mind you.

By the way, Yem-nri-ma in my half baked Igbo translation means, “Give me let me eat.”