Mum, do you like being a woman?

“Why not?” She avowed softly. She knew shouting was out of it because it wouldn’t get me off her. She only cast me a knowing glance. I’ve been known to ask such questions. And on that day, I didn’t disappoint. This conversation took place recently.

“Why are you asking?” Mum asked, searching my mischievous thought….and I liked the suspense I was getting.

“Look at it. I just came in now and you quickly rushed to get me my meal while dad still sat where he was. Not just that alone, you packed and cleared the table after I had finished eating. I know you will tell me it’s a mother’s love. But don’t tell me fathers don’t like their sons too. Ok, am sure if I were a girl, you would have asked me to go to the kitchen and get my food.

As I talked, I made a gesture, angling my right arm in a superman fashion so that I could kiss my bicep. And I actually did kiss it. That act beggared amusement from dad who had been watching us all the time.

“What’s the meaning of that?” Mum asked.
“It simply means a man will always be a man, no matter what.”

As we talked on, severally reasons why mum should be a man in her next world (if there was anything like reincarnation) rattled for space in my fertile mind. I withheld them, but couldn’t help an elaborate reminiscence of how I used to serve mum and dad their meals after cooking. I used to be the family cook back then, bla bla bla…Now the table is turned.

Hey, would you rather retain your sex if you had an opportunity to make a change? For me, certainly I wouldn’t want to be a human being. Being an inanimate object will be better. Perhaps water…or better NIGHT…so that I can scare everyone. Even you!

Right for Wrong?

I had for some time planned to go see George who told me he worked with the Champions’ newspaper. We were course mates at the university. I got his digits from another course mate after 7years we left school. Gave George a call, and it was all screams! The banters were reassuring, and so our bond reformed. We put up several appointments which we never kept. But we spoke often on phone…we allowed it that way.

Then suddenly his phone went dead for weeks. It never bothered me until another course mate called from Imo State complaining of his inability to reach George. Then I decided to go check him up at the Champions’ House.

Abi, Champions House no be office for person wey dey work for Champions newspaper Lagos branch?
But I got there. Nobody seemed to know my friend worked there. They swore they never heard that nomenclature. I told them he worked in the editorials (my assumption) and that the last time we spoke on the phone he told me he was on permanent night. A check was run. Still, nobody knew him. My friend is not the funky type…so I couldn’t bring myself up to think he could’ve changed his name.

“Are you sure that is his name?” The receptionist jolted me to reality.
“Yes Sir, that’s his name. We were course mates at school.”
But on a second thought…Maybe George uses another name there. And I wasn’t in the mood to argue. Na im I carry my skeletal frame comot there at once.

As I headed home, I reflected on the chilled palm wine I had at Don’s place an hour ago. These hawkers certainly know how to step up their game. I never knew anybody could chill and sell palm wine. But there it was before me.

“Guy, this palm wine cold o…” I commented, wondering when my friend chilled it because he bought it in my presence.
“Na so the guy dey sell am.” Don offered an explanation.

Don truly knows how to treat me to choice drinks. The last time I visited, Irish cream, Guinness and Gordons Spark littered the table. Just the two of us. But today, I needed a clear head for I had gone there to seal up a deal on the new website we were working on. We too want to join the millionaire club na. Who no like better thing?

Fayose sings again…not my kind of song!

“You know the kind of person Obasanjo is. Even if he takes your wife, he will still not apologize.” Yah! You read it right. But I didn’t say them. These were the exact words of Mr Ayo Fayose, the former governor of Ekiti State, yesterday at 8pm on a TVC programme “Fireworks” with Ugochukwu Emezue, the anchorman.

My gawd! That Ugochukwu guy has guts, and fears no hits from anybody. His questions are unexpected and punchy. I had watched him take on various politicians and public figures in merciless interrogative sessions. That’s why I took to him even far back then when he presented Head 2 Head on STV. The programme has the same bite as that on TVC. It’s a no-holds-barred. If only most TV programmes are like this, guess, evil doers will sit up.

Ever since his removal from office under controversial circumstances and on-going prosecution by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), Fayose has been singing like the canary bird. He likes to be heard.

Earlier on Linktrip that same day on TVC, I had watched Yori (the ex-anchorman of Sunrise Daily on Channels) and Ugochukwu play hosts to Dr Kayode Fayemi, the AC governorship candidate in Ekiti State. My lachrymal glad swelled but I fought the emotions as people phoned into the programme to heap praises on the guest. As I watch him speak, my mind went to the late youthful president of America, JF Kennedy. And I couldn’t help the comparison of him with JFK and the contrast with Fayose.

Fayemi is sound, highly educated, eloquent and bright with ideas. He stands out on intelligence. Shouldn’t he have been the governor in the first place considering the slogan of the state “Fountain of Knowledge”, but here in Nigeria the popular candidates don’t always win elections. Did I say popular? Yes, I did. I have not met Fayemi, and have never talked to him. But I drew my inference on his popularity from that programme I watched. Please, don’t say am myopic. He was in Lagos, faraway from Ekiti. Yet, callers from different divides called and hailed him. All the callers had nice words for him. Doesn’t that speak volumes?

Well, back to Fayose. He blames Obasanjo (Chief Olusegun Obasanjo, ex-president of Nigeria) for his woes. But who would’ve forgotten how he extolled Obasanjo during his days as governor while their political romance lasted. As I type this, I smile to myself remembering his famous comment, “If Obasanjo tells me to slap someone, I will slap the person without asking why.” So, why is he (Fayose) crying blue murder now? Doesn’t he know that what goes around comes around, and that the law of karma still exists? Now, I know say the guy don know how far.

So, stop singing, Mr. Former governor. Let our ear drums know peace!

…through the door

Finally, the blog frenzy has caught up with me. And like a willing participant I have appended my consent and decided to write…hope it doesn’t turn out graffiti. Hence, it will be me listening to the blend of expressive tremolos of my keyboard as I put Knotty Thoughts out here. A regular upgrade I foresee.

Yah! I know am a little bit old school, having started now when most bloggers have almost forgotten what it took them to register. I console myself, “I will catch up with them. Abi no be to write anything? I go soon pass them.” I say, thumping my tiny chest with a wane smile on my face.

Promisingly, this won’t just be writing for writing sake. It shall comprise commonsensical and didactic engagements. Not necessarily moralistic. I shall not pontificate to that terrain. Shall we discuss the S word here? Did anybody ask? Definitely, love and relationship matters could come in handy. Politics and daily life exigencies are certitude too. In fact, anything that catches my fancy will deserve mentioning here. It’s intimacy unveiled…No go think am!

Now, pump your kind of Champaign…forget your stress, misplace your worries, let tomorrow be now…lets merry. A new dawn is finally here with us.
Jah bless.